Pro-Choice for Christ

“When I introduce myself, I tell people I’m a sexologist and a minister. The most likely response is that people laugh,” says Reverend Debra Haffner. “They see those terms as oxymorons, kind of like ‘jumbo shrimp.’” Haffner, the jumbo shrimp in question, is an ordained Unitarian Universalist minister. She is also the co-founder and presidentContinue reading “Pro-Choice for Christ”


Does God exist? Fuck if I know. I gave up on the Catholic Church at fifteen after seeing Jesus Christ Superstar. Christ was a megalomaniac, and I wanted to do Mary Magdalene. But I’m holding out hope for the hereafter. This week, the Harvard Community of Humanists, Atheists, and Agnostics (HCHAA) has invited me andContinue reading “Godless”


Why am I wearing a rain jacket? Why do I have an umbrella inside? Unclear. What is clear: This is a new website! Previously at The Harvard Crimson, Four Dollar Wine Critic will now be posting here weekly on cheap wine, other intoxicants that are equally cheap as cheap wine, and *feminism.* Joint me every Tuesday nightContinue reading “Welcome!”

Drunkentines/Sex Noises

I want to be known, and loved, and intellectually and sexually adored constantly by everybody. I want each party to be a glimmering climax where I utterly belong.  Enter Valentine’s Day weekend: a playground of hungry hearts and lonely bodies.  Weather: drunk.   Ethos: thirsty.  Drake summarizes the prevailing feeling: “I need a girl who gon’Continue reading “Drunkentines/Sex Noises”

First Chance Dance

Ah, senior spring—when some of us solicit people we’d hardly ask to pass the salt in the d-hall for sex. Eyes swipe right and left; rigid social divides melt like snowflakes. The season is ushered in by First Chance Dance: a freshman tradition lost to us by act of hurricane, the dance—and with it, theContinue reading “First Chance Dance”

The Four Dollar Wine Handy Dandy Vagtastic Valentine’s Day Workout

V-Day might be over, but ladies, you’ve still got to tend the actual V.  Ever wondered how to stay in great shape for your man? Look no further: It’s time for the Four Dollar Wine Handy Dandy Vagtastic Valentine’s Day Workout! 1) Wax your vagina. No, not your bikini line. Not “all the hair from your labia.” IContinue reading “The Four Dollar Wine Handy Dandy Vagtastic Valentine’s Day Workout”


If you were on I-95 anywhere between Providence, R.I. and Secaucus, N.J. last Wednesday evening, you knew there was a lot of traffic. What you didn’t know is that this traffic consisted entirely of my extended family, aka every second-to-fourth-generation Portuguese-Italian who can trace their roots to the Greater Newark Metropolitan Area. Including me. MyContinue reading “Thanksgiving!”

Yes, I said Yes, I Will, Yes

It’s Halloweekend, folks, and fuck if I’m paying for my own alcohol. Also, I spent my work-study money on lingerie, because this Halloween, I’m going as Molly Bloom. Molly Bloom, a character in James Joyce’s “Ulysses,” is a fierce bitch, and the novel ends on her “yes” of orgasmic affirmation. She is an artist andContinue reading “Yes, I said Yes, I Will, Yes”