V-Day might be over, but ladies, you’ve still got to tend the actual V. Ever wondered how to stay in great shape for your man? Look no further: It’s time for the Four Dollar Wine Handy Dandy Vagtastic Valentine’s Day Workout!
1) Wax your vagina. No, not your bikini line. Not “all the hair from your labia.” I mean wax your actual vagina. You’ll feel like a sex kitten. Like a sex kitten with an irritated vagina.
2) Kegels. All day everyday. Kegel when you’re sleeping. Kegel at your desk. Kegels make you tight as a virgin. I don’t think I’ve been a virgin since I broke my hymen with the water pressure from my parents’ showerhead.
3) Get in the mood with some feminist performance art! Smear your body with menstrual blood.
4) Indulge yourself: Today, eat whatever you want. Unless there are men around. Then, hide, lest they find out women have normal human body functions. You don’t care? What are you, a lesbian?