Try These Four Fun Tips to Make Women Feel Weird!

Other people’s agency got you down?

Having difficulty asserting the dominion over man and beast our sexual culture has promised you?

What if the secret to sleeping with any woman you wanted was simply making her feel weird enough to consent despite her deeply held reservations?

Four Dollar Wine is on it! With these easy tips, you’ll have potential sexual partners begging you for intercourse!

And if your ship sails for other genders, no problem! Just edit to suit the vulnerability of your target group.

The Todd

Want to get it in with a lady who seems a little too sure of herself? Remember: The person who has the authority to determine her self-worth isn’t her – it’s you! Remind her of this by continually ranking/commenting on other women. Which sorority’s hotter: Delta or Theta? Let her know! Whose body is more bangin’ – Nicki or Beyonce? Tell her! Overt descriptions of body parts, and your physical response to them, can only help.

The secret? Don’t comment on her body or looks – just remind her that you can. She’ll be so worried about where she measures up, she’ll spread those legs just to cut the suspense.

The Rodd

Are you a male-identified individual? Is there a lady you want to lay, but she’s not interested, because she’s a lesbian? Never fear! Asking her intimate questions about lesbian intercourse, especially in a professional or academic setting, is a sure way to wear her down.

Do you finger each other? Have you scissored? Do you cunnilingus? Can you demonstrate said cunnilingus on this peach? What about this pomegranate? Shall I purchase a papaya on which to demonstrate? Or an orange? Does your vagina resemble this orange? Is that uncomfortable?

Show, don’t tell: A choice diagram, a descriptive hand gesture, a vigorous round of Pictionary.

Don’t forget that she’s probably just a lesbian because she hasn’t had dick! Rather, because she hasn’t had your dick.

The Humbert

Is there a talented lady whose professional charisma and personal panache threaten you, and whom you have also been meaning to bone? Devalue her work!

Every time she does something awesome in a work or school environment, tell her it’s not really because she’s talented – it’s because people want to bang her! Or, if you’re ready for the advanced move – tell her it’s because everyone thinks she’s a troll!

She’ll be so doubtful of her abilities, and so wrapped up in anxiety about her looks, she’ll let you get it in anytime – especially if you use the upcoming mixer to get her a little tipsy.

The Evangeline

Is there anything else about your target – besides her female identification – that could present a potential vulnerability? Maybe she’s pansexual. Maybe she’s of color. Maybe she’s economically vulnerable, or has a disability. Great! All you’ve got to do is remind her how awesome she is for someone from that marginalized group. Be sure to express how impressed you are that she is articulate/cogent/capable of abstract thinking.

Fill in the blanks:

You’re pretty [adjective] for a [non-white racial or ethnic identification].

You’re pretty [adjective] for a [ability status].

You’re pretty [adjective] for a [socioeconomic or educational background].

You’re pretty [adjective] for a [sexual orientation or gender identity].

She’ll be so impressed that you’re using an intersectional framework, and so confused that you’re pitting her identities against each other, she’ll be ripe for the picking.

Tangy!