The Christmas I was fourteen, my mom gave me and my sisters the best gift you can give to a bunch of teenage girls: A copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves. I was a budding feminist, an avid reader, and obviously super interested in sex, and so I spent days—months—years even, poring over that book and learning every detail. With chapters like “Lovemaking With a Woman” and “Masturbation,” what wasn’t there to love? The advice was real (and feminist!) and set me up for a lifetime of sexual happiness. (Note to all parents: If you want your children to grow into quality human beings with happy sex lives, get them this book!)
Of the many memorable passages and much-valued advice, one bit of Our Bodies, Ourselves’s sage wisdom particularly stuck with me—the neat fact that, in lieu of (or perhaps in addition to!) a dildo, a (washed, please!) cucumber could do the trick. And oh yes, I soon discovered, it could.
Our Bodies, Ourselves is not the only one to have made this discovery. Using the earth’s natural produce for sexy stimulation is a practice probably as old as humanity itself. And can you blame people? The phallic shape of crudités classics like the cucumber is all-too-suggestive. Plus it’s a two-for-one deal, since after one handy dandy trip to the produce market you can have sex for breakfast and a salad for lunch.